


Falling, Falling Deep, Falling For You

by Ziizion



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Compulsory Heterosexuality, Cuddling & Snuggling, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Violence, On Hiatus, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, References to Suicide, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27262303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziizion/pseuds/Ziizion
Summary: Boring.Bland.So, so boring.Everything was so unbearably boring.Until he met him. Until he joined Mankai.A retelling of the main story with some minor changes.
Relationships: Hyoudou Juuza/Settsu Banri, Nanao Taichi & Settsu Banri
Comments: 39
Kudos: 131





	1. Prologue: Falling down

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi!! This is my first work in this fandom and actually my first non-enstars related work in general! I love love love Juban and kinda wanted to write some really slow slow burn and yeah here we are :,)
> 
> TW for this chapter: references to depression, suicide and panic attacks and some minor violence. Nothing is outright mentioned but I'd rather be safe than sorry

_Boring._

_Bland._

_So, so boring._

_Everything was so unbearably boring._

Banri sighed, as he let his glance slide across his classmates down on the field. Sitting on the edge of the roof, he let his thoughts wander.

_Jumping off seemed exciting._

He leant forward as far as he could, without losing his balance and plummeting into the ground below, his hand tucked beneath his chin. They looked like they were having fun.

_Something he hadn’t felt in a long time_

Desperately, they chased after that damn ball, like their lives depended on. Sweat dripping down, as they struggled to keep up.

_Desperation… Struggle…_

Banri never quite understood those things. Everything had already been given to him; talent, a pretty face, money, you name it.

But sometimes, being too skilful proved to be just as bad, as being not skilful enough. Everything had melted together, everything seemed so bland. Tasteless.

_Boring._

If he had to use one word to describe his life, it would be boring. Everything was boring. He stopped caring long ago.

_He stopped feeling **alive** long ago._

_What did it feel like? To actually feel alive?_

He had lost that spark within him long ago.

“Or maybe it never was there…”, he pondered.

Sighing loudly, he turned his glance away from the people below him.

_Jumping down still seemed inviting._

**_“Today’s one of those days, huh?”_** , he thought out load. One of those days, where everything was just black, white and a depressing shade of grey. Where he just felt empty, tired, so tired he couldn’t sleep.

It seemed like Super Ultra Easy Mode had just been turned up a notch, yet nothing changed at all.

On days like these, he just wanted someone he could truly call a friend, someone he truly loved. Someone who truly loved him. Sure, he hung out with some people from school, but they didn’t see him as a friend and neither did he treasure them. He knew it, they knew it, so it was fine.

_“It’s fine”, he would say, as he still felt alone in midst of a group of people, who claimed to be his friends._

_“It’s fine”, he claimed, as the feeling of emptiness became so overbearing that his chest constricted, as he desperately grasped for air._

Banri «Super Ultra Easy Mode» Settsu would never admit that he wasn’t feeling okay. He just ignored it. _This is Super Ultra Easy Mode after all, if I jus’ ignore it, everythin’ will be fine. No one fucking needs feelin’s anyway._

Still, he craved to just feel love by someone outside of his family just this once. If romantically or platonically, he didn’t care. Not that he ever would ever admit it though.

He sighed loudly, as he opened the door from the roof into the school building. Staying up here had no use anyways. His brain would just tell him to jump. Latch onto the little bit of excitement and adrenaline that would bring him for a fraction of a second, before the feeling of fear hit him. Feeling of impending death.

He shook his head, hoping to get rid of the intrusive thoughts as he made his way home. Sure, he had another class, but he couldn’t care less. It was just Japanese anyways.

Aimlessly walking through the streets, he looked for excitement. Anything to stimulate the constant itch, if just for a second. _~~Even though finding someone or something he truly loved, his life wouldn’t be this boring anymore. Looking for constant excitement wasn’t worth it in the long run.~~_

His thoughts were being too loud, as he walked down the streets of Tokyo. _Maybe jumpin’ into the traffic would be exciting._

Banri wasn’t past breaking the law. Street fights, maybe stealing something from the convenience store, he really didn’t care.

He didn’t have an actual goal. His home wasn’t this way, he just went wherever the fuck his feet took him. And apparently, his body had been reminded of that conversation he had a few days back, while he was hanging out with some guys from school.

_“Y’ know, Hyodo Juza beat Yama High leader?”_

_“Him again?”_

_“Who is he?”_

_“O High’s yankee, he’s been stood out since middle high.”_

_“Isn’t he always being alone? Lone wolf, they said”_

_“I see…”_

He found himself in front of O High. And there he was: Juza Hyodo. A little taller than him, slicked back purple hair, strong build, angry face. Just like he had been described by many of his so-called friends.

But Banri had never lost at anything before, and he wasn’t about to lose that streak of 17 years. Confidently, wearing the smug smirk he always wore, he stepped up to him. The other gave him a mere sceptical look, not looking particularly interested in him. This didn’t stop Banri; he confidently strode up to him, taking long, graceful steps, coming to stop right in front of him.

“So, I heard ya were pretty strong, eh? Bet ya can’t beat me~”

The other finally looked at him. Looked right into his eyes; the disinterested look hadn’t left. Banri didn’t like that.

_Pay attention to me, for fucks sake!_

Juza just held his stare, looking ready to defend himself any time.

_That doesn’t seem right, what the fuck. Why is he not attacking me?!_

Somehow, the others indifference just pissed Banri off even further, so he went right in for the kill. He threw a punch right at the others face.

_Heh, this’ll be easy. He ain’t even tryin’… pathetic_

What Banri wasn’t expecting however, was his fist to be stopped and a punch to be thrown into his face, right below his eye. He hissed in pain.

_Oh_

Another kick, a whirlwind of punches and Banri realised just how big of a mistake he had made. He was currently _losing_ to someone. The most painful part was, that he could tell, that the other wasn’t even fucking _trying_ to beat him. He didn’t care whether he lost or not, he wasn’t like Banri. He still had the same bored look in his eyes.

_Bored_

**_This is boring to him._ **

Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t know if it was the kick to his stomach or something else. And then he dropped down to the ground. The fall down felt way longer than it was. He fell.

**_He had just lost._ **

Opening his eyes, everything seemed to be turning, his body sore, his chest still constricted. His breath came out in wheezes as he looked up.

He still had the same look in the eyes. Boredom. But this time mixed with something else, Banri couldn’t quite place.

“We done here?”

His deep voice sounded just as dismissive as his eyes looked. Banri tried to bring out the words.

 _Stay here_ , he wanted to rasp out. But he couldn’t. His breath still hadn’t been regained and his brain didn’t want him to. With blown open eyes, he just stared at Juza, trying to even out his breathing, trying to ignore the pain blooming where other had struck him. **_Trying to ignore the pain of loss._**

After what felt like years, the other slowly left, not even sparing him another glance, leaving Banri to himself. He stared up at the setting sun, up in the sky.

_In 17 fuckin’ years of livin’ I lose for the first time, huh?_

Sure, it hurt. He didn’t quite know how to handle the loss. But he knew one thing: Fuck, did he wanna fight him again.

He didn’t want to experience the loss again, no, but the feeling of actually _feeling alive_. The amount of adrenaline and excitement… He wanted to feel it again and he’d do everything to feel it again.

On wobbly legs, he slowly stood up, slightly smiling to himself. He felt surprisingly… _content._ Of course, he didn’t appreciate the loss, but the momentary feeling… it still felt so livid. He wanted to feel it again.

 _Revenge_. He needed revenge.

**_And he was gonna get it._ **

Day after day, he made his way to O High, with the high hopes to fight the one and only Juza Hyodo again.

But all he did, was give him that same _bored_ look; like he wasn’t worth his time. He’d just look at him and turn away again.

Banri pestered and annoyed him, asking him to fight him. Nothing. At this point, he didn’t even spare him a glance.

Looking out to fight him again, he followed him into this shabby looking theatre.

He scoffed. _Fucking moron really thinks he can watch this damn play without fightin’ me first_

**_He didn’t expect that stepping into this theatre would change his life for the better._ **


	2. Chapter one: new beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi !! First off, this chapter was supposed to be longer, so I decided to split it into two halves and I'll be posting the second half next week.  
> I wouldn't have been able to finish it, but I really wanted to upload something this week ^^  
> Enjoy!

Now, Banri had somehow been assigned to share a room with the one and only Juza Hyodo. First, that guy beats him up, then he refuses to do it again-

Hold up. Banri did _not_ mean to think that.

He took a deep breath. _Let’s rephrase that._

First, the guy beats him up and then he refuses he fight him again – better phrasing this time – then that guy wants to be a fucking actor and of course Banri gets dragged into it! (Well, he was amazing at it, but he didn’t actually wanna do it, it was all Juza’s fault)

And well, here he was, unpacking his stuff, standing in room 204 together with the other, the awkward silence unbearable. Sighing loudly, he turned around as dramatically as possible, to catch the others attention.

Juza raised his head to give him the same dismissive look and then went back to unpacking. _Oh hell no, he ain’t givin’ me that damn look again_

Banri clicked his tongue loudly. “… Hey, Hyodo”

“The hell do you want?”, the other answered, almost growled.

“Fight me again”, he tried to say, as nonchalant as possible, as if he wasn’t desperate as fuck.

“No.”, was all Juza said, going back to whatever he was doing before. Banri was getting increasingly more pissed at the other.

_Fucking pay attention to me, you piece of shit_

It reminded him, of that time where everyone completely stopped caring about his perfect grades, perfect scores, gold medals. Where everyone just completely stopped paying attention to him.

_“Hey, mom! Look at this!”, he would say, so lively, as he handed her yet another perfect score in an exam._

_She simply waved him off, not even taking the phone from her ear to look at him properly. “Yeah, well done, Banri”, is all she would say. No “you’re so smart, Banri, you’ve got a bright future ahead of you” and no “you’re such a genius”._

_Banri didn’t like it, but he quickly grew used to it. As time passed and everyone stopped paying attention to him, he just stopped trying._

_“Ah, another perfect score”, he thought to himself, as the teacher handed back all the exams._

_“Banri again?”_

_“Of course, who else?”, whispers from the other students reached his ear. They didn’t sound happy, impressed like they used to, just annoyed, pissed, jealous probably. He decided to ignore them._

_He sighed to himself, going home an hour early. The last lesson was just English, and he was good at that anyways._

_His mom didn’t care about him skipping, and he didn’t care about showing her his test marks. His dad was the same, so was his sister._

“Hyodo. Fucking fight me already.”

Juza looked at him. The same bored, dismissive look in his eyes as always. _Don’t look at me like that._

“I said no, Settsu.”

Banri snapped, grabbing Juza by the collar and pushing him into the nearest wall.

“Why the fuck won’t ya fight me?!”, he asked, more like yelled, enraged.

“Why the hell do ya wanna fight me so bad?!”, the other retorted, shoving Banri away, so he could move more freely.

“Jus’ fuckin’ leave me alone…”

_“Dad look!”, Banri yelled excitedly, as he sported the new gold medal, he had won at the sports contest at school today._

_His dad didn’t spare him a glance, just continued with his work. Banri pouted and tugged at his sleeve._

_“Look, look!”, he exclaimed in fake excitement. Somehow, the gold medal didn’t feel like an achievement this time. It felt like it was weighing him down._

_Seeing the guy who usually always came in first come in second, and resenting him for it, didn’t hurt as much as it probably should have._

_“Leave me alone, Banri. I’m trying to work here.”_

_Ah. So as always, huh?_

_Banri was used to it at this point, the only person who truly loved him was his sister after all. She was the only person who actually worried for him, when he ran away that one time._

_Dragging himself into his room, he slammed the door shut. **Maybe this will bring some attention to me.**_

_But no one came. His sister wasn’t home, his parents didn’t really care anymore. He was alone._

_Not bothering with his homework, he went straight to bed._

**_Maybe they’ll care tomorrow_ **

“The fuck did ya jus’ say?!”

“I told you, to leave me alone, Settsu”, Juza gritted out.

Leave me alone.

_Leave me alone._

**_Leave me alone._ **

Banri didn’t like those words. Especially not coming from the only guy who managed to beat him in something and refused to give him a second chance.

It didn’t sting, it made him feel numb, which was undoubtedly worse.

_Make me feel something, like you did back then_

Without thinking, Banri swung his fist, aiming at the others face.

He hit back.

_Perfect_

_Ruin my pretty face, Hyodo_

In a fury of hits and punches, Banri was shoved up against the wall.

_Heh. Adrenaline feels nice._

Time seemed to slow down, as he saw Juza’s fist slowly approaching his face. Closing his eyes, he waited for the hit.

The hit never came.

Suddenly three other voices could be heard in the room.

He cracked his eyes open, only the find out that Juza’s fist had been held back by Omi. Taichi and Sakyo were also there.

If looks could kill, Sakyo would’ve killed the both of them by now. Before he could react, Taichi had already dragged him out, Juza was nowhere to be seen.

He clicked his tongue. _It was just getting’ interestin’, for fucks sake_

“Fuckin’ let go of me!”, he hadn’t meant to yell at Taichi, after all, he had done nothing wrong, it just kinda slipped out in the heat of the moment.

“But Ban-chan, you can’t keep doing this! Sakyo-nii will get mad otherwise!”

Damn, Taichi sure was persistent.

He sighed loudly. “I can’t promise anything.”

“At least try to hold back!”

“Hyodo is the only fuckin’ reason I’m here, y’know? I jus’ wanna beat him and leave.”

Taichi’s eyes widened a bit this statement. “But you’re so cool and talented at everything! You’ll make a great actor, Ban-chan! You may not love acting as much as we do, but-“

_“Banri, your skill is very impressive indeed!”_

_“You’re so talented”_

_“You’re sporty, smart, crafty and talented? Incredible!”_

_“You have a bright future ahead of you”_

_“You’re such a handsome young man”_

_“You’re so cool!”_

**_All of it was just empty praise._ **

****

“Shut the fuck up, Taichi, I ain’t stayin’ here, so don’t get your fuckin’ hopes up”, he spat, sounding venomous. Of course, he hadn’t meant it in a bad way but of course it hit a damn weak spot. All he wanted was genuine damn praise, not those meaningless “you’re so cool and smart” he got from everyone, just because they felt obligated to say so, because everyone else also did.

This seemed to shut the other up. If Taichi were a dog, his tail would probably be drooping, and he’d be letting out quiet whimpers.

Banri turned around, admittedly feeling a little bad for upsetting Taichi and went back to his room. Omi had left, Juza had his back turned towards him and Sakyo seemed to be seething with rage.

“The fuck do you want, shitty old man?”, Banri didn’t know when to shut up.

_“Mom, dad, hey!”_

_Nothing. Not a single glance._

_“I said, hey!”, a little forceful, not too loud._

_Still nothing._

_Pay attention to me, for fucks sake._

_Maybe swearing will do it…_

_“Mom, dad, fucking pay attention to me!”_

_In hindsight, Banri really shouldn’t have said that, should have just dealt with the fact that they didn’t pay attention to him anymore._

_“What did you just say, Banri?!”_

_He grinned. So it worked, huh?_

_“Look what I made!”_

_More disinterested looks. Now something else was mixed in._

**_Anger._ ** _They’re mad at me, huh? Well, at least they’re acknowledging me!_

_Banri took that as a win._

**_Now he didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut._ **

“Hah?! What did you just call me, you brat?!”

Oh, Sakyo-san was way scarier than his parents were, huh?

He smirked. _Provoking him might be fun._

“I called ya a shitty old man”, he answered, matter-of-factly.

“Don’t do it again. You’ll regret it.”

With those words, he left room 204.

Now it was just him and Juza.

“Oi, Hyod-”

“I’m going to sleep”, he answered, before Banri could even finish his sentence.

**We’re never gonna get along, eh?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really like this chapter honestly  
> It's pretty headcanon reliant, and I'll admit that  
> I spend hours overanalysing Banri and I kinda just threw in those headcanons 
> 
> I also love the Taichi & Banri scene. They have my favourite platonic friendship in A3, so expect more Banri & Taichi talks! 
> 
> Talk to me on twitter @/takumisbf !!
> 
> Also I'm in love with Banri's stage actor he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen  
> Love, Zion~


	3. Chapter two: at nighttime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just Banri angst, have fun

Banri didn’t sleep well that night – not that he ever did – way too aware of the others presence in the bed next to his. Snores filled the silence. Usually, it would be too quiet for Banri to sleep, as his thoughts became too loud inside his head.

The snores drowned out these thoughts.

Didn’t change the fact that they were way too loud for Banri’s sensitive ears and robbed him of his sleep anyways. He hadn’t slept well in years, always felt tired, cold.

_At least it ain’t those damn thoughts keeping me up this time_

He felt… weirdly glad about that.

_Doesn’t change the fact that it pisses me off_

Sighing, he sat up, letting his eyes drift over the other. He smirked.

_As expected, he looks like shit_

Drool was dripping out the others mouth, running down the others chin. But other than that, he looked… peaceful. Banri had to stop himself from reaching out, and wiping away the drool, as he leant over the other.

Banri just sat there for a few moments, bathed in the moonlight, just staring, for reasons inexplicable to even himself – not that he knew what he was thinking most of the time anyways. He found strange comfort in staring at him and he also despised being around him all the same.

Tearing himself out of his trance, he made his way down the ladder, down to the floor of their shared room. He felt weird, having no idea why the hell he had just done that.

It felt like an both an eternity and only a few seconds passed, while he was staring at Juza sleeping.

Sighing loudly, he quickly put on some slippers and made his way outside – not that he knew where he was going, he just wanted to get away. Why he wanted he leave, he didn’t know

**_Everything just felt suffocating_ **

****

Being around Juza felt suffocating and numbing at the same time.

_But he also felt **alive.**_

The feelings were practically non-existent and also overwhelming at the same time. It was just confusing. Juza was just one big riddle to him. He both envied and admired him – not that he’d ever admit it.

At this point, Banri had somehow arrived outside, on the balcony. It was a could autumn night, the breeze chilling him, as he stood there in nothing but his pyjamas and some slippers.

He let the wind ruffle his messy, unkempt hair, not caring if he caught a cold. The wind was loud, but still too quiet to silence the thoughts inside his head.

“Oh, for fucks sake”, he whispered beneath his breath, not daring to look down from the balcony.

_“C’mon, jump”,_ a voice inside his head would whisper, _“it’ll make things interesting. You want attention, don’t you?”_

No one else was awake right now. No one would notice if he were to “accidentally“ fall down. It was just him. Him and his too loud thoughts.

 _“Shut up”_ , he wanted yell.

_This feels like drowning_

Suddenly, everything felt way, way colder. He felt like he had been plunged into ice cold water, wanting to scream, wanting to sob out loud, but not being able to. Not being able to take a single breath. His whole body shivered, as unshed tears burnt in his eyes, blurring the bright full moon.

Promptly, everything came back, he could breathe again, could cry. After the first few tear drops, he completely gave up with holding back. Crying, sobbing, letting it all out felt fulfilling.

And so, he cried alone, like he always did. He wasn’t sad, wasn’t upset, _but he wished he was._

He was just empty. Taunting people into fighting him didn’t feel as fulfilling as it used to, It had gotten boring – just like everything else did.

 _Passion,_ that was what he truly wanted, _he wanted something to feel passionate about. Wanted someone to improve him, make him into a better person, to **save** him._

**_I just want someone to love me._ **

****

No one was there to comfort him, and, honestly, that was the worst feeling of all. So there he stood, sobbing his eyes out over everything and nothing in particular.

* * *

Juza had just woken up, as he felt… something off. He didn’t dare open his eyes, scared to see exactly what he anticipated.

_Is Banri leaning over me?_

He felt the others strong presence above him. He knew he was there, so he didn’t open his eyes, didn’t wanna scare the other off. So he just _lied_ there, tense, pretending to sleep. He could _feel_ the others presence, although it was weirdly cold, chilling almost.

_Why the fuck is he doin’ this?_

Juza seriously couldn’t figure out _why_ the “oh-so-great” Banri Settsu was fucking _leaning_ over him, like he was about to kiss him. He had to restrain himself not to do anything stupid, like gulping too loudly, or breathing unnaturally – acting natural was surprisingly hard – otherwise he had to explain why he hadn’t stopped Banri sooner, and honestly Juza was not having that conversation in the middle of the night.

It was weirdly intimate, domestic almost. They had known each other for just a few days and in all honesty, Juza didn’t hate him. But well, he wasn’t too good with feelings, so he decided just to punch back, because that was what he had learnt to do. A defence mechanism.

After a while, Banri moved away. Juza didn’t know how much time had passed. _Time somehow didn’t feel real anymore. Had it been minutes? Seconds? Hours even?_

_It felt like an eternity had passed in a second._

He stayed still for another few minutes, waiting for the sound of rustling sheets and the bed creaking, but it never came. Banri had left their room, for reasons unknown. Juza sat up, looking over to Banri’s bed and, as expected, it was completely empty.

He weighed out the options in his head. Either he could go back to sleep or he could follow him, which definitely wasn’t the smarter option. But Juza wasn’t the smartest, so he went with the second option, carefully tiptoeing down the ladder, slipping on some shoes and making his way out of their room.

He certainly hadn’t thought this through, since he had no damn idea where the hell Banri even went, so he was just aimlessly walking through the dorms, hoping that he wouldn’t run into someone and have to explain himself. However, he was quite lucky today, managing to somehow sneak through the entire dorms, without waking anyone up, and also finding the other. Although the place where he found the other was more than a little worrying.

_The balcony? What is he doing out there?_

Quickly, he hid behind the sofa, leaning against the back of it, still getting a view of the balcony, despite being concealed completely. Well, at least he hoped he was.

He sat there, just watching the other, for reasons unknown. He felt some weird fascination with the other, which he couldn’t quite describe. It wasn’t his looks, definitely not the way he spoke or acted, no, it was something completely else, which he couldn’t put his finger on.

His worrying increased as he noticed that Banri had been staring down for quite a while now, a weird type of desire in his eyes, as he stared down at the floor.

_He looked ready to jump_

_“Is he- no, that can’t be…”, Juza shook his head. There was no way. It was probably just his imagination._

He yawned. _I should really be heading to bed_

Looking around, the digital clock in the kitchen met his eye.

_3:08_

_“Yeah, goin’ to bed is definitely a good idea”_

He stifled another yawn, right as he got up. Immediately, he completely stopped in his tracks, as a sound hit his ears. It came from outside.

He dived back into his hiding space, as he looked over to Banri again.

The bright moon illuminated his silky hair, as a single tear drop fell down. The tear drop glittered under the full moon, gleaming like it was something precious, rare.

Soon, more of these precious drops, they looked like diamonds, joined the rest and a sobbed racked through him.

Juza shook his head. _This ain’t right, I shouldn’t be watchin’._

A wave of nausea overcame him, he felt guilty, really guilty. _I shouldn’t be seein’ this._

**_And so, Juza fled, like the coward he always had been._ **

* * *

Juza clumsily flung himself onto the loft bed in his room, throwing the covers on top of him, still feeling awful for what he had seen. Banri wasn’t an open person, he figured that much, and he pretty much just saw the most intimate parts of him.

His breath caught, as he heard the bed creak. Banri had returned, he was still sniffling a little – it was nothing compared to when he was crying his heart out on the balcony.

The atmosphere in the room was weirdly tense, awkward. Had Banri seen him?

He quickly threw that idea out of the window, since Banri would’ve definitely acted more aggressively about it.

Not thinking about it any further, he sighed loudly, as he turned over.

_Fuck, he knows I’m awake now_

His soul seemed to leave his body, as he braced himself for some loud yelling from the other. But all that came was some low grumbling under his breath.

“D-did ya say somethin’, Settsu?”, he said, carefully testing the waters of Banri’s patience.

He clicked his tongue and sighed loudly. “You’re an awful fuckin’ actor, y’know? Also, your steps are awfully loud, and your body is way too big to hide behind that damn sofa. How much did ya see?”

Juza gulped, cautiously thinking about his answer. He stared at the ceiling.

“All of it.”, he whispered.

“Thought so… It never happened, ya hear me? Don’t you dare mention a fuckin’ word.”

Juza nodded, although he still had a question. “Can I ask ya somethin’?”

“No, I’m goin’ to sleep. G’night.”

Silence. Juza didn’t answer, still wanted answers to this burning question on his mind.

“Why did ya do that?”

A groan. “I told ya, it never happened, also I’m trynna sleep, so fuck off.”

“That ain’t what I meant.”, his voice came out more intimidating than intended. “I meant that… before ya left the damn room.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Banri knew exactly what he meant, just didn’t wanna admit it. Didn’t want to talk about it. He had no idea what came over him either.

“Sett-“

“I told ya, to fuck off, now shut the fuck up, and go to sleep. I ain’t talkin’ about it, it never happened. I dunno why I did that either. There, happy?”

That seemed to shut the other up. _Fucking idiot, really thought I wouldn’t notice him._

Banri pulled the covers all the way up over his nose, feeling weirdly calm and not mad at all, for some reason.

The thing he was most pissed at, was the fact that Juza really thought he was stupid enough, not to notice him. How couldn’t he notice such a bulky guy, hiding behind such a small sofa, who also had abnormally loud footsteps.

He was honestly surprised, that he didn’t manage to wake anyone else up. They both had made an unspoken agreement, not to talk about whatever the hell happened before Banri left and about what Juza had seen.

_He’s seen me cry more often than my parents have_

That thought made Banri feel sick to his stomach. His parents really knew nothing about him, didn’t care. Well, not like Juza cared either, he just happened to see it, but he already had seen more sides of Banri in a few weeks, than his parents had seen in over 17 years.

But knowing that he had seen him, was both extremely uncomfortable and also weirdly comforting. He literally had no idea how he felt about the other. He… didn’t hate him, as much as he insisted that he did, but he also didn’t care for him too much either.

Soon, quiet snores filled the room. But this time they weren’t too loud, but just loud enough to tune out everything else. Only just now, did the exhaustion and the awful headache from crying hit him. He groaned, tossing around, finding a comfortable position to sleep. He felt warm, for some odd reason, didn’t feel lonely.

“Thanks, Hyodo.”, he whispered, since he knew, that the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya!! This chapter turned out quite a bit longer than expected.
> 
> So, a few things about this chapter!
> 
> I wrote the first 700 or so words during class by hand and I actually cried and my teacher asked while I'm crying, so that was pretty embarrassing LMAO
> 
> This chapter was also supposed to have the handcuffs scene in it, but after writing 2k words of just that night scene, I decided to save that up for the next chapter !! Honestly, I was planning on this scene only being like 1k words like, but I got really into it and couldn't stop
> 
> Also, the last line is taken from the Arctic Monkeys song "Do I Wanna Know" !!
> 
> Btw the line "it felt like eternity had passed in a second" is the sexiest thing I have ever written
> 
> Contact me on insta (@/catboybanri) or twitter (@/takumisbf) !!
> 
> Have a nice day, I love y'all so much!! 
> 
> Love, Zion~


	4. Chapter three: again and again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah so warnings for this one  
> Panic attacks, child neglect, minor injuries  
> That's all!! Have fun reading :D

Banri woke up the next morning, feeling strangely rested, despite the whole ordeal from last night. Sun was filtering through the curtains.

 _That late already?_ It was late October; the sun didn’t rise until late. The snoring from the other bed was also gone.

He sat up. “Seems like I overslept…” Not like he cared about that. He didn’t have any important classes. ~~But then again it wasn’t like any of his classes were actually important to him.~~

He gazed over to the others bed. _Empty._ Seems like Juza didn’t even bother to wake him. Banri was actually fairly surprised about the fact, that he appeared to have slept through the others alarm, despite being a light sleeper.

 _Maybe crying exhausted me?,_ he thought, despite wanting to completely forget what had happened last night, where he almost-

No. He refused to think about it. That shit didn’t happen.

Sighing, he climbed out of bed, the room having a different atmosphere right now, than it had in the midst of the night, bathed in moonlight, full of vulnerability. Right now, it seemed more hostile, the sun being half covered by the clouds, cold, greyish light being dimmed by the curtains. He was alone, no one else to be seen. It felt lifeless, _boring._ He didn’t want to be alone, but that didn’t mean that he _wanted_ to share a room with a guy, especially not Hyodo.

He’d rather wake up to a pretty girl sleeping next to him. For some strange reason, the image of a cute girl waking up next to him every morning, didn’t do anything for him. He decided to just not think about that too hard.

Banri grabbed his phone, turning the screen on. _10:38am_

_Damn, later than I thought_

Dragging himself out into the lounge, he went straight into the kitchen. He still had an awful headache for… reasons, he refused to acknowledge. _He needed coffee._

And _of course,_ he walked right into Izumi and Sakyo, the last people he wanted to see at the moment, besides obviously Hyodo. That would prove to be pretty awkward.

“Banri-kun? Are you feeling ill? Why aren’t you at school? Did you oversleep?”, Izumi started bombarding him with worried questions. Banri put up his most charming smirk.

“Oh, I’m fine, Director-chan~ Are ya worried about me?”

Before Izumi could answer, Sakyo glared at him, deciding to cut right into her word. The atmosphere turned hostile, ice cold.

“Are you skipping classes, Settsu?”, he hissed glowering at him at menacingly as possible.

_Sakyo-san’s scary_

“And if I am? Whatcha wanna do ‘bout it?”, he challenged Sakyo.

_Why the fuck did I just say that I’m gonna fuckin’ die_

**_That doesn’t sound too bad_ **

Surprisingly, Sakyo didn’t yell, didn’t even sound the slightest bit mad.

“Settsu. Just remember one thing. You’re not as amazing as you think you are, you’re barely adequate.”

He just sounded cold.

_“Dad, I broke the TV… it was an accident.”_

_Obviously, it wasn’t an accident. It was a cry for attention._

_“Hm?”_

_C’mon, yell at me, pay attention to me_

_“Yeah, it’s broken. You’re mad, aren’t you?”_

_“Don’t do it again.”_

_Cold. His words were cold, he didn’t care. Discarded him like he was useless._

Banri swallowed, too lost in thought to even notice the old man leave. Izumi was still there.

“Sakyo-san is harsh, but I don’t think he’s entirely wrong.”

He was left alone in the kitchen. _Left alone as always._

* * *

_Maybe, if I run away from home, I can find something thrilling? Maybe… my parents will come look for me, and not leave me entirely alone out there? They might… **worry** for me_

_That’s what he was thinking, when he ran away all those years ago. One day, he just decided to the emptiness was too heavy for him and he got up and left._

_He followed the river, walking until his feet were aching and his knees almost gave out beneath him. Shivering, he didn’t stop walking, even as the sun went down._

_He went on and on, until he collapsed from exhaustion. The sun had already gone down. He wasn’t sure, when exactly he left, but it was in the afternoon, when the sun was still standing high in the sky, when the stars were hidden._

_He heaved for air, trying to recover as he glanced across the river. There was someone there. A boy, probably about his age, he looked angry but also sad. His golden eyes lifeless, as he stared into the water before him, his dark purple hair drooping across his face._

_Did he also run away? Banri asked himself. Maybe he did, maybe he had gotten lost. The brunette didn’t even notice, when the other boy looked right into his eyes, gold meeting indigo. They both just sat there for a few moments, which felt like an eternity and also just a few seconds._

_His eyes are weirdly mesmerising…_

_It was almost silent, only the soothing sounds of the river and the chirping of the cicadas in the forest behind him._

_When voices came from the other side, they were almost too loud for Banri’s ears._

_“Nii-chan! We found you!”_

_A younger boy, with similar hair and eyes, although his weren’t as mesmerising, came out from the forest behind him, followed by a grown woman._

_Ah._

_So, someone cares for him._

_A bitter taste filled his mouth. He didn’t wanna feel mad, jealous, just because his parents didn’t care for him. He was sure, the other deserved it ~~more than him.~~ But he couldn’t stop the bitter feelings of jealousy, as the other boys eyes filled with hope as he saw his family, who had come to look for him. _

_Banri thought he had found someone just like him, who understood him, but of course he hadn’t. Loosing hope, he made his way towards the street, waiting for a taxi to drive him home._

_He didn’t know whether he wanted to see the other again, and if he ever even would. It was silent, as a complete stranger drove him home, as he stared out of the window. Seeing the stars and everything come and go so quickly made him feel insignificant, small._

_Banri noticed, that he never really left Tokyo in that moment. That there still was a lot he hadn’t seen._

**_Maybe I’ll have a loving family like that boy has one day._ **

_The taxi drive was over in a flash of a second and Banri had absolutely no money. He looked at the closed front door, dreading going inside. He would have to beg his parents for money or something._

_The taxi driver looked at him sceptically, making sure he just went in to grab money. His shaking hand grabbed the door handle as he pushed the door open and there stood his older sister._

_She looked absolutely devastated, shaking, eyes and face red and full of tears._

_“N-nee-chan…”_

_“Banri, where were you?! I was worried!”_

_He swallowed thickly, not quite knowing how to answer that. He stared down at his feet, which were suddenly the most interesting part of the room._

_Sharp pain hit his forehead, as his sister flicked it. “You idiot…”, she said fondly. Banri couldn’t bring himself to look at her, didn’t wanna see the disappointment in her eyes._

_He vaguely gestured towards the door and mumbled something under his breath._

_“Banri-chan, I didn’t quite understand you~”_

_“Don’t call me that!”, he snapped back, more aggressive than intended. He took a deep breath. “I said, that you have to pay the taxi bill.”_

_She sighed loudly. “How much is it, you little troublemaker?”_

_“7000 yen…”, he mumbled._

_“Wait here.” She pressed a little kiss to his forehead. Banri liked his sister. She was always nice and cared for him more than his friends - if you could call them that – or his parents did._

_He waited, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, for her to return. The door closed with a click as she crouched down._

_“Don’t you dare do that again, Banri. I was really worried for you.”, she sounded serious, her voice a little hoarse, from crying probably._

_“Were mom and dad worried?”_

_His sister obviously didn’t know how to answer that question correctly. She sighed loudly, looking as if she were about to cry again._

_“I- I’m so sorry.”_

_Banri shook his head. It wasn’t her fault. She shouldn’t apologise._

_“Can I… have a hug?”, he asked quietly, not wanting to put down the strong front as always._

_“You don’t even have to ask”, she hugged him tightly to her chest. “Let’s get you to bed, shall we?”_

_He nodded weakly._

_While she carried him to his room, he knew exactly that this wouldn’t last much longer. His sister was way older than him, was probably going to move out soon, would leave him alone again._

_He was gonna miss her bossy, yet caring way of speaking to him. Was going to miss her warm hugs._

**_But nothing lasts forever and forever was what Banri wanted._ **

****

* * *

He did nothing but just lie on the sofa all day, playing on his phone, waiting until anything interesting happened. ~~Waiting until Hyodo got home.~~

Maybe practice was going to start soon? He glanced at the clock in the kitchen. _4pm already?_ Practice started at 5pm. Maybe he could piss off Sakyo or persuade Hyodo to fight him. Sounded like fun.

Around that time, the first people began to come in and liven up the dorms. It had only been him and the four walls.

Everyone was out. Either going to school, doing some work outside of the dorms or… whatever it was that Misumi and Citron were doing. He couldn’t see them working, nor could he seem them go to school. He sat up, watching as everyone returned.

Of course, a certain redhead skipped up to him. “Ban-chan!! Hello! Are you okay?”

_Autumn troupe’s puppy is here_

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Taichi’s eyes widened. “D-did you… skip? That’s so cool and badass! Ban-chan you’re awesome!!!”

Well, Banri wasn’t expecting the other to be so fanatic about it. “Yeah, I did, and I know~”

Banri didn’t mind the other being so fanatic, but it didn’t feel right. Taichi shouldn’t want to be like him.

“You’re so cool!”, Taichi gasped, his eyes practically sparkling. Banri hadn’t received a genuine compliment in a while, now that he thought about it. It felt nice really.

More people were coming into the lounge, excitedly talking about their day. Admittedly, Banri kind of enjoyed the atmosphere here. It was noisy, sure, but it also drowned out his thoughts.

He felt a pair of eyes glare holes into the back of his neck. _Ah, probably Sakyo-san, huh?_

“Settsu.”, yup, definitely Sakyo, “Did you actually do any work today or just laze around and be a useless brat?”

Those words stung a bit, but he shrugged it off. “Ehhh~ I don’t need to work hard, to succeed, I’ll be okay~”

The older man scoffed, grumbling something incomprehensible, as he left the room. And, _of course_ , Juza had to come into the room right then, pissing Banri off just with his bare presence.

“Oi, Hyodo.”, Banri couldn’t help taunting him. He needed this damn fight.

“What.”, he grunted, this time not looking too disinterested. Banri smirked. _There we go._

“Jus’ lemme have one fight, ‘kay?”

It was just the two of them in the lounge right, everyone having gone back to their rooms. The tension was electrical.

“If you’ll leave me alone afterwards, ‘m cool with it.”

Banri felt a little dumbfounded. He hadn’t really expected him to say yes and now he didn’t know where to start. He was content just winding him up and pressing on his buttons until he snapped but for him to willingly consent to a fight? Banri wasn’t having him.

“So _now_ you’re agreein’ to fightin’ me?!”, Banri raised his voice. For some reason he felt angry.

“Ain’t that your goal of pissin’ me off? To get me to fight you? And now ya ain’t happy with it?! Fuckin’ bastard.”

Juza sounded mad. His voice wasn’t loud, and he hadn’t even raised it at all. He just sounded extremely fucking angry.

It happened so quickly, that he didn’t even realise it properly. One moment they were hurling insults at each other, shoving each other, getting angrier by the second, as suddenly another person stepped into the room. Today definitely wasn’t Banri’s lucky day, as it was no one other than the shitty old man Sakyo.

And the old bastard wasn’t only shitty, but also insane apparently, as he fucking _handcuffed_ him and Juza together.

“Hey, old man, get these fuckin’ thing off me!”

Juza also didn’t sound too happy. “’M gonna go crazy, if I have to spend more than 5 minutes next to this shitty guy…”

“Oi, what the _fuck_ did you just call me?!”

Somewhere amidst all the yelling and the fighting Taichi, Omi and Izumi had also joined them.

“Now, now, calm down boys, it’s just for a few hours.”, Omi tried to calm them down, but to no avail, as they were yelling at each other once again.

“Stop yellin’ into to my fuckin’ ear, bastard.”

“I’m not, fuck you”

“Well then stop fuckin’ breathin’ near my ear then.”

“Shut the fuck up”, Banri was started to raise his voice again. So was Juza, for the first time today, the handcuffs obviously stressing them out.

“SHUT UP.”

Yup, Banri wasn’t gonna risk it. If Sakyo-san raised his voice, it meant shit was gonna go down.

Sakyo massaged his temple, a headache already forming.

“Anyways,”, he sighed loudly, “I’m going to leave the both of you handcuffed together ‘till…” he glanced at his watch.

“Till tomorrow, 5pm. Exactly 24 hours.”

Banri took a while to process that, and before he could answer, Sakyo had already left, leaving him to suffer and just stare at the spot where he had stood just a few seconds prior. Izumi was already running after him.

He turned his head to look at Juza, who looked equally as annoyed as he did. This wasn’t going to be fun for either of them. He could barely stand fucking looking at that guy and now being literally _cuffed_ to him for 24 hours… What even was the damn point of this?!

The room was completely silent, the quietness feeling oddly awkward. Usually Banri wasn’t able to shut his mouth and now that some words were needed, they were suddenly failing him.

Omi cleared his throat.

“Tell me, if you need something, okay? You’ll be fine.”

_“You’ll be fine”, yeah, as if._

“Good luck, Ban-chan, Juza-san!”

An awkwardly mumbled “thanks” came from Juza’s side. And with that, they were left alone again.

He clicked his tongue.

“I’m gonna go get somethin’ to eat.”

Standing up, he tugged on the handcuff, signalising the other to also get up. But of fucking course that bastard wouldn’t budge, just glared at him. “Don’t feel like it.”

“Hah?! Get the fuck up and lemme go to the damn kitchen.”

Juza glared at him, his wrist awkwardly hanging in the air. “This is your damn fault, asshole.”

 _I know it was, you don’t need to rub it in._ Banri just glared back. He sighed deeply. “Lemme get somethin’ to eat, I’ll get you somethin’ as well…”

_Ew, gross, I just was nice to him_

Juza’s eyes seemed to light up with that and he stood up so quickly, he almost threw Banri off balance. But well, Banri was able to catch himself, before he tugged them both to his doom, grabbing onto… Juza’s biceps. ~~Which felt quite nice.~~

 _Out of all the fuckin’ things in this damn room, of course I had to grab his damn biceps, what the fuck am I doin’,_ his brain yelled at him, as he quickly let go, tutting loudly as he stalked off towards the kitchen to go grab a bite to eat. It was awkward, as Banri tried to prepare something as best he could, but Juza was just being a damn deadweight, as his golden eyes dug holes into his side profile.

“You’re fuckin’ useless, man!”, Banri yelled loudly, finally having lost his patience after having almost sliced his damn finger off one too many times.

He was shoved to the side, as Juza grabbed the knife out of his hand. “Lemme do it.”

Banri had to restrain himself from laughing out loud at that. “As if you’re any better at this than me!” he sounded almost hysterical.

“Shut up, fucker.”

Somehow, those clumsy, huge hands chopped up the chocolate almost perfectly. Banri just stared at them for a while, seemingly forgetting that those were the hands of the guy he hated the most and his biggest rival.

He didn’t notice how long he’d been staring, until the others deep voice cut him out of his thoughts.

“What do I have to do next.”

“O-oh yeah… uh…”, Banri felt weirdly flustered, as he stuttered over his words, something that never happened, “You gotta melt the chocolate inside the bain-marie over there.”

He awkwardly pointed the bowl full of boiling water on the stove, as the handcuffs dug into his wrist, from being dragged over. Juza nodded, pouring it right into the water. Banri was genuinely baffled.

_How stupid is this guy?_

“No, not like that, you damn moron!”

His loud voice seemed to startle Juza, who jumped and spilt boiling hot water onto his uncuffed hand. Banri quickly turned the stove off and shoved the burnt hand under the running water.

Today really was not Banri’s day.

“Man, how fuckin’ clumsy are you?!”

And even now, Banri couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Even when the toughest guy he knew was wincing in pain.

“Shut up, please.”

_Did Hyodo just say please?_

_Does it really hurt that much?_

Banri refused to admit it, but he was starting to worry a bit. “Wait here”, he said stupidly. Juza gave him a blank stare.

“Settsu. I can’t jus’ “stay here” when our damn hands are cuffed together.”

_Oh yeah, the handcuffs_

“Well then, come with me, ‘m gonna go get the first aid kit, ‘cuz apparently you’re too dumb to even melt chocolate correctly. Ain’t you like obsessed with sweets or somethin’? I saw you sneakin’ them the other day.”

Juza reluctantly followed him. “’S not like I enjoy them or anythin’… but my brother gave them as a present.”

“Brother?”

Oh. _Oh._ _Now_ Banri was mad. He completely stopped in his tracks. Juza stared at him. “Weren’t ya gonna go grab the first aid kit?”

Banri glared at him. It was an absolutely stupid thing to be mad at, but Banri was angry as fuck nonetheless.

“Why’re ya mad now? Can’t ya please take care of my damn hand first?”

“Oh, so you’re used to people taking care of you, huh?”, Banri spat. He was angry at something Hyodo had no control over. “Well imagine what it’s fuckin’ like if ya have absolute no one who cares about you at home!”

Banri lashed out at him. This was the second time he was acting vulnerable in front of the other in less than 24 damn hours. _What the fuck._

“I’m sorry for that, Settsu, but could you pleas-“

“Fine.”

Tears stung in his eyes as he dragged Juza into the bathroom to clean his burn and wrap it up correctly. It was proving to be quite a challenge to do said task with his hand cuffed to Juza’s and to not start crying. He didn’t even know why he said that; it just slipped out.

The hunger was long gone, as his anger also died down. Now he just felt empty. _Not this again._

He tried to regulate his breathing, as he wrapped up Juza’s hand in gauze, not wanting to have a damn panic attack in front of other.

Although he inevitably failed, as he completely zoned out, completely stopped breathing.

Once again, he was drowning in his own emptiness. It felt like tons of water were pressed down into him, as he seemingly forgot how to breathe, forgot how to control his tears.

Juza’s eyes widened, as he noticed that the other had started shaking, his breathing sounding funny. “O-oi Settsu…! Can ya hear me?”

No answer. He had zoned out completely, it seemed. Tears were running down his cheeks as well, as he sat on the bathroom floor, together with his roommate he hated so much.

Banri faintly heard someone calling for him. Very, very quietly he heard his name being whispered far away. He was stuck inside his head once again. Usually, he’d just have to wait until it passed, but nothing happened. Things just got worse. His heart hurt like crazy, as he basically was drenched in sweat. He felt gross, vulnerable, weak.

But Juza… didn’t seem to care. But also, didn’t quite know what to do. Just stared at Banri, before he finally settled to just petting his head softly. _His hair always looked soft but… woah_

And rubbing his trembling shoulders in and attempt to calm him down. It was a little awkward and painful, with their wrists still being handcuffed together and Juza’s hand still hurting like a bitch but Banri seemed to calm down fairly quickly after that.

They sat in silence, as Banri’s breathing evened out.

“T-that never happened, Hyodo.”, Banri rasped out, his voice sounding sore.

Juza nodded. “’M sorry.”

He didn’t know why he was apologising, but he felt the need to.

“Thanks, Hyodo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So once again some things about this chapter 
> 
> -I DIDN'T MEAN TO GO INTO SUCH AN ANGSTY DIRECTION BUT IT... HAPPENED? ALSO THIS IS WAY LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED
> 
> -the scene with banri and his sister made me cry in economy class i am so sorry sir
> 
> -can you tell that i keep developing them and throwing all the development out of the window? smh im such a tease
> 
> -also notice the first line of internalised homophobia and comphet cause those are gonna be some pretty relevant themes because uh *gestures towards banri*
> 
> -this chapter man.... i hate it but also love it to bits at the same time? yeah,,, have i mentioned this, but i never beta anything and just post everything as it is? lmao
> 
> also holy FUCK banri's stage actor is the single most beautiful man i have seen in my entire 16 years of living. 
> 
> anyways that's all :D contact me on insta @/catboybanri or on twt @/takumisbf
> 
> Have a nice day!!
> 
> Love, Zion~


	5. Chapter four: your hand in mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't able to make a longer update this week, since I had lots of school work!! Sorry !!!! Probably same thing next week :,)  
> Also TW for this chapter: implied homophobia. nothing too heavy, so no slurs or anything
> 
> Have fun reading :D

The rest of the day they refused to talk to each other. Neither arguing, nor normal talking (not that they talked without arguing in the first place).

The silence was incredibly awkward. Juza was worried. _Does that happen all the time?_ He knew absolutely nothing about Banri, now that he thought about it. If someone were to ask him, to tell them three things about Banri, he’d tell them his birthday (which he wasn’t sure about either) his name and the fact that he was an ass, even though that probably wasn’t entirely true, as it seemed. Staring at his side profile, he tried to figure him out.

Why did he even react that heavily? Did his family not care for him? Juza couldn’t just outright ask him. He wasn’t stupid enough to do that and didn’t want to irritate Banri even more. It wasn’t like he would open up to him anyways.

“Stop staring at me.”, Banri said, not sounding mad, just defeated. His voice sounded quiet and raspy, his face his red and blotchy.

Juza turned away without a word. He was starving, but he didn’t want to go back to the kitchen right now. Everyone else was probably there and would definitely ask the both of them what had happened.

He didn’t really need anyone else to know about the… incident. Hell, not even Banri wanted to admit that it happened.

The atmosphere was tense. He didn’t like it. Sighing, he dug his phone out of his pocket. _19:48_

They had already been cuffed together for about 3 hours now.

“Wanna go to our room?”, Juza mumbled, attempting to at least lessen the awkwardness just a little bit. Banri shrugged. He was being completely quiet and somehow Juza missed his annoying, grating voice swearing and yelling into his ear at all times. He got used to it so quickly, that it felt weird not having it around, when he was in the dorms.

Despite shrugging, Banri speed-walked towards their shared room, slamming the door shut as a silent “fuck you” to Sakyo-san. The brunette seemed to have forgotten about their handcuffs for a second, as he attempted to get as far away from Juza as possible, still not liking to be seen vulnerable. Frankly, it was awkward as fuck, as they hung around in the centre of the room, neither of them doing or saying anything. Yet, they tried to stay as far away from each other as possible.

“I’m gonna crash.”, Banri said, clearly not tired. He probably just wanted to sleep to pass time, which Juza couldn’t blame him for honestly.

“’S barely 8pm, you sure?”

“Yes.”, he sounded surprisingly stubborn. Juza just nodded. Somehow, they made their way up the ladder, their arms stretched to accommodate for the divider and the distance between them. Juza’s arm was starting to ache.

“So, uh…”, Juza started, unsure of how to word it, “how’re we like… gonna get changed?”

Banri shrugged. “To be honest, I’m jus’ gonna sleep in these clothes, I don’t really care.”

He nodded. _Sure, sleeping in everyday clothes just this once was gonna be fine._

“We gonna share a bed?”, Juza asked, seemingly clueless.

Banri looked at him, like he had just grown a second head. He gawked at him.

“What.”, his voice sounded both embarrassed, confused and furious.

“I asked whether we’re gonna share a bed or not. Cuz y’know…”, he raised his handcuffed wrist for emphasis. “’S already aching.”

“You wanna fuckin’ cuddle or somethin’?!”

_Oh, **that’s** why he looked at me like that_

Juza was growing increasingly more embarrassed by his request. He hadn’t thought about the implications.

“T-that ain’t what I mea-“

Before he could finish, Banri basically just draped himself over him. _Wait what._

Juza completely froze and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. _What the fuck._

He heard Banri snicker. “Ehh, what did ya mean then?”

_Of course he’s doin’ this to piss me off._

He shoved Banri off him, turning to face him. “’S more comfortable like this.”

“Yeah, but I’m sleepin’ next to a dude. Gross.”

Juza rolled his eyes. “Then go back to your side. I don’t fucking care, I jus’ don’t want my arm to fall off, but if you’re uncomfortable ya can leave.”

He was directly facing him, Banri looked… mildly uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassed. But also curious. “What.”, Juza asked drily.

Banri, being open and honest as ever mumbled a simple “nothin’, get outta my face, dipshit”. He turned his back on Juza, probably playing a game on his phone, judging from the music. Juza sighed loudy. _Holding a conversation with this fucker is impossible, I swear._ Having nothing better to do, he got out his phone as well. Scrolling through instablam would probably waste some time, so why the hell not. His wrist was still bent in an uncomfortable position, although he could rest it on his mattress now. Somewhere along the way, he had forgotten about his phone and had resigned to just… staring the back of Banri’s head and at his broad shoulders, his slim waist… _I could reach out and touch him…_

Banri could practically feel Juza staring at his back and he could already feel the tips of his ears heating up. ~~Not that he’d ever admit that.~~

He was weighing out his options. He could either call Juza out and embarrass him or just shut up. Calling him out however, would be admitting that he noticed it, which he didn’t want to. He just shut up, didn’t say a word about it, as he tapped the upcoming notes and one of the rhythm games he was playing. _Doesn’t a guy in my class have a crush on this chick here?_ Sure, the girls in the game were quite cute but… nah. For some reason, he just didn’t find the girls in this specific game to be that interesting. His thoughts wandered to his group of fangirls awaiting him. He sighed. They were just irritating more than anything. His “friends” at school kept on going on about how lucky he was to have all these hot girls around.

_“God, Banri, you’re so damn lucky dude”_

_Sure doesn’t feel like it_

_“All those hot girls just flock around you, I’m jealous, man”_

_There’s nothing to be jealous of_

_“To be honest, I ain’t interested in ‘em”_

_I shouldn’t have been so honest_

_“What ya mean with that, dude? You gay or somethin’?!”_

_Don’t make me think about it_

_“Nah man, none of those girls are attractive to me, y’know?”_

_No girls are ever attractive to me_

_“For real?! Have you even seen Hina? She’s smoking and she’s all over you!”_

_I don’t fuckin’ care_

_“Seriously, man, I don’t care for girls”_

_I should jus’ stop bein’ honest all together_

_“So you **are** gay?”_

**_“And what if I am”_ **

****

_“That’s jus’ fuckin’ weird”_

_“Ya ain’t interested in those girls? Gross”_

_“Don’t you dare try hittin’ on me. I only like girls”_

_A beat of silence._

_Banri started laughing loudly, to cover up the pain._

_“Ya seriously believed me? Of course I ain’t gay! I’m straight, dude. I was jus’ messing with ya.”_

_Oh, my voice cracked._

_“I gotta go.”_

_And once again, he ran away from his problems. Obviously, they weren’t his friends, but it still stung._

He shuddered. He didn’t like that feeling. _Obviously those arseholes aren’t gonna accept me, if not even my own parents accept me._

His phone dropped to the mattress, as his hands started shaking. _This ain’t good._ Juza seemed to immediately notice, as his huge hand gently held his. Banri could feel the texture of the burn. He cringed. _Bastard still hasn’t bandaged it up properly._ Neither of them said anything about the fact that they were currently holding hands and were almost cuddling. _When had they gotten so close?_ It was… strangely calming. He found himself leaning back into Hyodo. He didn’t like him, didn’t know him well enough to like him, could never like him. He was his rival. He couldn’t like him like that. For some reason, Juza let him do it, settling for holding his uncuffed hand and laying the cuffed one over Banri’s slim waist. It felt wrong to Banri. _But it also felt nice._

He hadn’t been touched so tenderly in years, so why not. Juza’s hands were soft and he had a big chest. Had nothing to do with his personality. They just didn’t go together in terms of that. But he could enjoy this.

It wasn’t like rivals with benefits weren’t a thing… right?

Maybe he could imagine a cute girl hugging him? _But why did that immediately take all the warmth away?_

Well, he decided not to think too hard about anything happening at the moment. Not about the intimacy, his sexuality or Hyodo.

He could think about that later. Right now he just wanted to sleep.

And slowly, he drifted off.

_How come we always get along during night-time?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So anyways few things to this chapter as always
> 
> -this chapter is. really important in terms of banris and juzas relationship development so i took my time writing it  
> -I literally spent almost 3 fucking days on the part from the beginning of the flashback to the end oh god  
> -IT'S ONLY 1.5K BUT IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT CHAPTER OK!!!!  
> -also internalized homophobia... like it isn't fun I KNOW IVE EXPERIENCED IT SAME WITH COMPHET but writing about it is unbelievably fun  
> -tbh i didn't even intend on them cuddling but it somehow ended up like this  
> -no banri rivals with benefits aren't a thing you're just gay  
> -also my x key is half broken, falls out all the key and is really hard to press so if i missed an x i am very sorry 
> 
> anyways yeah i have like 2 presentations, 3 papers and 2 exams next week so yay   
> Idk if there will be a new chapter next week hhhh :( maybe a short one? we'll see!!!!
> 
> Have a good day/night <3
> 
> Thanks for reading and waiting for my updates, I appreciate all kudos and comments :,)
> 
> So yeah guys stan Akigumi for clear skin and peace out
> 
> Love, Zion~


	6. Chapter five: serene angel of the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo guys!! New chapter is once again a little shorter, since I didn't have much time to write hehe sorry for that 
> 
> Anyways TW for this chapter are mentions of disordered eating, although it's more just hinted at and references to depression
> 
> With that said, have fun reading :D

Banri woke up feeling… rested, for the first time in ages. _It’s because I’m cuddling with Hyodo,_ the emotional part of his brain suggested.

_Emotional part? Huh, haven’t used that in a while. Feels… kinda weird_

Obviously, he wouldn’t say “I feel well rested” while he was cuddling while Hyodo, not because it wasn’t the reason, just because he’d never admit that. He liked the physical feeling of being hugged from behind and he could easily imagine it being someone else, which somehow eased the feeling.

His feelings towards Hyodo were nothing but jealousy, and he would never admit that. “I hate Hyodo”, he would say. ~~He didn’t.~~

But that was it. He was… jealous. Jealous of how he didn’t have the pressure to be the best, jealous of his loving family. Banri didn’t have to work hard to be the best, but he still had a weird kind of pressure on him.

Like, if he would ever fail, he would break.

And a loving family?

_Hiromi-nee-chan…_

Obviously he loved his sister but that was about it. He didn’t care for his parents and they didn’t care for him. It was just that way. There was no way to change that, and it was too late.

He had just learnt to deal with the fact, that he’ll never hear “I love you” from his mom or dad ever again.

But he also craved a different kind of love and being hugged like this made him feel the phantom of romantic love. It wasn’t truly there, he knew that, but he could just imagine it. Could imagine that Hyodo’s embrace was the one of a gentle lover.

One day, maybe, he would find someone.

Still half asleep, he groped around for his phone. He winced, as his bright phone screen burnt his eyes. _7:58am? It’s a Saturday, so fuck it._

He threw his phone back onto the bed carelessly and relaxed again. _Why the fuck am I so relaxed anyways?_

Sighing, he decided not to think about his emotions, since he fucking hated doing that anyways. He leaned back into Hyodo, feeling his broad chest against his back, falling and rising slowly as he snored and had an arm thrown over Banri’s waist, pulling him close. The handcuffs weren’t hurting anymore either.

 _We’re still holding hands…_ he thought sleepily, not really thinking much of it. Hyodo’s hand, while full of callouses, still had a very gentle grip, something he wouldn’t expect from a guy like him. He didn’t mind it at all, weirdly enough. He wasn’t very fond of being touched, because it was either girls that wanted to sleep with him, for no other reason than “oh banri-kun is so hot”, or fights with huge guys he decided to challenge for a little bit of adrenaline. It was a nice change of pace to be honest. He yawned loudly, slowly drifting back to sleep, finding himself oddly comfortable in Juza’s presence.

And so, he fell back asleep.

Juza woke, feeling… warm. Warmer than he usually felt when just waking up. It was autumn after all, but he didn’t even feel the crisp autumn air coming through the open window of his and Banri’s shared room. _Oh right, Settsu is sleepin’ with me._

His eyes snapped open and he was met by the top of Banri’s head tucked beneath his chin and his slim body flush against his.

 _He smells nice_ , he couldn’t stop himself from thinking. For a while, he just stared at the other. Cuddling felt oddly comforting. It was nice, knowing that someone wasn’t scared of him. Enough so, to even _cuddle_ with him. There were no feelings between them, that Juza knew, but just cuddling felt nice. He just lay there for a while, listening to Banri’s light breathing and low mumbling, as the sun illuminated him nicely. Juza kinda wished, he could see the others face. _It would’ve felt more intimate._

Juza knew he liked guys and Banri was really pretty, with his delicate face, lean build and soft hair. He possessed a certain grace, which felt feminine, yet he was also as masculine as any other guy he knew. But Banri’s personality… was something else. He was brash, rude, arrogant, downright mean at times.

But that wasn’t him. Juza knew. He had seen him vulnerable before, had seen him being oddly nice, had seen him cry even.

He didn’t hate Settsu, didn’t particularly like him either, but he was a good-looking guy and so he took the opportunity to just bask in his presence. _He’s quite pleasant, when he’s not insultin’ me relentlessly_

What he didn’t know, was that Settsu was a very light sleeper, and he immediately felt it when Juza, even just slightly, tugged at the handcuffs, to check his phone. He groaned. “Did ya have to wake me up?”

Banri did his best, to crane his neck and look at Juza, giving him a half-hearted glare.

“Sorry…”, Juza grumbled, honestly not really caring. He wasn’t looking at Banri properly, as his eyes had fallen closed again.

Opening them, felt like a punch in the gut. Banri’s hair was an absolute mess and the usual cocky grin on his face was gone, replaced by something akin to gentle curiosity. His eyes were brighter than usual.

He gulped, just staring at the others face, who had begun staring back at him. There was a weird kind of tension in the air and neither of them looked away, neither of them wanted to or even dared to look away, were completely stuck in their own world.

Slowly, Juza was becoming aware of everywhere they touched, and it became… awkward, to say the least. He cleared his throat.

“Anyways,”, he begun, “ya wanna go grab breakfast?”

“Not hungry, I wanna sleep.”

Now Juza was worried. Had Banri even eaten anything since lunch time yesterday? “But y-“

“I said, that I’m not hungry, now shut the fuck up, and lemme sleep.”

It reminded him of Kumon, the way he acted when his anxiety started working up. He didn’t sleep or eat, developed a fever. Cautiously, Juza let go of Banri’s hand and rested his own on the others forehead.

“W-what the fuck are you doin’?!”

“Checkin’, if ya have a fever or not. Used to do this with my little brother, y’know?”

Banri swatted his hand away, seemingly having forgotten that Juza burnt it yesterday. Either that, or he didn’t care.

“I can take care of myself, Hyodo. Fuck off.”

“Ya haven’t eaten since lunch, have ya?”

“What is it to you? Why the fuck do you care about my damn eatin’ habits, they ain’t any of your business.”

Juza didn’t know the answer either. He didn’t really care for Banri all too much, but he still felt a weird urge to just protect him. He couldn’t say that out loud, Settsu would murder him for that.

In the end, he just shrugged.

Banri scoffed. “Now lemme sleep.”

Juza didn’t say anything, just let Banri sleep. And that left him breathless for the second time this morning, as Banri, instead of having his back towards him, faced him directly, grabbing Juza’s hand himself this time, being oddly kind.

He threw his arm around the others waist again. It seemed to be comforting for Banri, having someone close like this.

And Juza didn’t mind it either, so he just went with it.

**_Banri was just a mystery and Juza was going to find a way to solve it._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAN I'M REALLY SORRY THAT IT'S SO SHORT SO YEAH SOME THINGS AS ALWAYS
> 
> -I've noticed that my way of thinking up stories is... unique, you could say. I never see my story in pictures, I just see it in words. But I don't outright see the words I just feel them, if that makes sense like each word has its own distinct feeling  
> -man this fic is even slower than I wanted it to be BUT I LIKE THE PACING NONETHELESS  
> -1.2k words of cuddling? So true  
> -I had lots of work this week, including two presentations. I'm quite good at ad-lib so I did well on my German presentation (German is my native language!!) but kinda messed up the French one lol oh well  
> -I am obsessed with the A3! stage play like legit it's the only thing I watch. Kenta Mizue <3  
> -also I tested positive for Covid so that means I'll have time to write a longer chapter next week out of compensation! Maybe like 4-5k? Dunno, but I'll change the pacing a little bit!! First few chapters were a little slow heh.  
> Dw bout me tho, I'm not at risk or anything!!!!
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading as always, love ya guys <3
> 
> Love, Zion~


	7. Chapter six: maybe not so bad after all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said I'd post a longer chapter and well it's 4k+ words so!!!! here is your weekly meal
> 
> Have fun!!
> 
> Also warnings for this chapter are mentions of skipping meals, slight violence and mentions of nsfw (implied)

The rest of the day was… very peaceful, to everyone’s surprise. Of course, there was the occasional argument between the two, but the general atmosphere felt more… peaceful. More at ease. Although it did feel more awkward than yesterday.

Izumi looked over to Sakyo, raising an eyebrow. He just shrugged, also not knowing what was going on apparently.

“So, boys, I’m leaving for today. You brats better well damn behave. I’m taking off the handcuffs when I come back from work later today.”

Banri shot him a glare. “Fuckin’ old geezer…”

He yelped, when Sakyo glared right back, making Juza snicker, which in return made Banri punch him in the shoulder with his free hand.

Sakyo turned heel, as he gave them an ice-cold glower and left the dorms. It was silent, as the bang of the door shutting echoed throughout the entire home.

“Have fun, boys. I’m not sure, who else will be here this afternoon, but I’ll be out doing errands. Just… don’t burn the dorm down, okay?”

Banri grinned at that. “Can’t promise anythin’~”

She sighed. “See you later.”

It was silent again for a while, until, surprisingly, Juza decided to break the silence. “Have ya had breakfast yet, Settsu?”

Banri frowned. _I ain’t havin’ this conversation again._

“No, an’ I ain’t hungry, so leave me alone, I jus’ wanna sleep.”, it came out tired, his eyes looked dull, as he pathetically tugged at the handcuffs.

“What’s your favourite food?”

The dull eyes seemed to… light up a little at the question. “California rolls… why’re ya askin’?”

Juza didn’t answer, just dragged him back to their room to grab his purse and then head out.

“Hold up, dude, where the fuck are we goin’?”, he sounded out of breath, tired. Juza slowed down a little.

“We’re goin’ to a sushi bar. ‘M gonna buy ya some California rolls.”

Banri’s eyes just about popped out of his skull. “Eh?”

“Jus’ take it as a thanks for last night…”

“Last nig- Oh, yeah, I see, thanks I guess…” _Right, right, the hand thing, yeah_

Juza raised an eyebrow. Banri had been acting strange all morning. He didn’t even have the energy to argue with him… It irritated him. Even when he tried to intentionally piss him off, he didn’t even budge. Maybe he got a half-hearted glare, if even. So, they made their way to the next sushi bar in complete silence.

When they arrived, they awkwardly hung around the front. They were still two overly tall teenage boys, who were well-known delinquents and on top of that were handcuffed together after all.

“How the hell do we hide the handcuffs?”, Banri yell-whispered in his direction, when Juza had the marvellous idea to grab the others hand and put it into his coat pocket.

“What the fuck?”

Oh, Banri was getting mad. For some reason, Juza missed that quite a bit. He shrugged. “Either that, or they’ll see the handcuffs.”

To be fair, he didn’t know which one was weirder either, seeing two delinquents walking around holding hands or walking around handcuffed. Banri clicked his tongue.

“But what if they… y’know… think we’re gay…”

Juza raised an eyebrow. “Does that bother you, Settsu?”

“Are ya fuckin’ accusing me of bein’ homophobic?”

“When the fuck did I imply that?!”

“Jus’ now! Ya asked me, if that bothers me! Do ya really think I’m that big of an asshole!?”

Thank god it was 10am, and there was no one really around at this time.

“I didn’t mean it like that, sorry, ‘s jus’…”, he shook his head. “’S nothin’, don’t worry ‘bout it.”

“What were ya gonna say?”

Juza didn’t wanna say it. Nope, definitely not, he remembered last time he said it.

_“I… like you, Tanaka.”_

_“Huh? Juza-kun likes guys? Did ya hear that?!”, he had laughed at him, and told the whole damn world._

_The tears pitter-pattered when they met the ground, tears of shame, tears of hurt. As soon as he knew it, he had already run off._

_He ran and ran, just didn’t want to feel the shame ever again. He knew that liking boys was apparently a bad thing and that just made it worse._

_This wasn’t his first time running away._

**_Maybe I’ll see the boy from last time again?_ **

_The mysterious boy, who had stared at him from across the river with the sandy brown hair and the indigo-coloured eyes… Juza thought, he was pretty. So, he ran to the same place as last time, by the river. Although, for a completely different reason._

“Oi, Hyodo.” He was snapped out of his thoughts by a hand almost slapping him in the face.

“Sorry”, he grumbled, still thinking about the boy from back then. He reminded him of someone. The hair colour, the eyes… **Oh.**

His mouth dropped open, as he stared at Banri’s side profile, as he was intently reading the menu at the door.

“So, we gonna get sushi now or what?”

Juza cleared his throat. “Sure.” He decided not to think about that any longer, as he tugged Banri into the store alongside him.

It was a little… awkward, as they sat down, hiding their hands beneath the table, and giving their order. The waitress winked at them as she bought them their food and drinks. Juza raised an eyebrow at Banri, as if to ask, if he knew, why she had just done that. He however was way too focused on the California rolls in front of him on the table. It was almost cute, as he looked at them with sparkly eyes.

They weren’t so dull anymore. Juza found himself staring at him, as he started eating. It was messier than he expected, as he got grains of rice stuck on his chin. Juza had ordered himself a small platter of sushi as well, although he would’ve rather ordered something from the dessert menu. He was too embarrassed for some reason, although the entire reason in and of itself was already quite embarrassing. Being handcuffed to a delinquent and going to eat sushi together? Ordering some sweets would’ve been one of the more normal things to be honest. He regretted not ordering the special homemade vanilla éclairs. He pouted. Banri would 100% tease him for ordering them, and he didn’t want to live with that embarrassment. He could practically already hear the snarky and somehow it pissed him off and made him feel weirdly at home all the same. For some reason, seeing Banri eat properly made him feel weirdly happy.

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t really seen Banri eat properly the entire time where they lived together.

Granted, they had only lived together for about a week, but it still a little concerning. Banri always excused himself from the dinner table after barely touching his food, never really ate breakfast either.

“Dude, are you gonna eat, or jus’ gonna stare at me?”, Banri teased him. He did that fairly often, but it felt less condescending than usual. But he was right, he _had_ been staring at Banri and had been caught and _oh god_ had he _always_ been that pretty?

Of course, he wasn’t gonna say that out loud, so he just decided to begin eating as well. Somehow, the sushi tasted better than usual. ~~Maybe it was because of Banri’s presence?~~

It was… comfortable. Turned out, he could get along fairly well with Banri, when they both actually tried properly. It was calming, almost therapeutic, just having someone to talk to. He didn’t find out much about Banri, other than the fact that he apparently had an elder sister named Hiromi, who was already married and well… that was about it. For as arrogant and self-absorbed Banri could be, he surely didn’t enjoy talking about himself. He also seemed to avoid the subject of _family_ every time Juza bought it up.

Besides his sister of course, Banri loved his sister a lot, as it seemed. Still, it seemed strange, that as soon as they stood up to leave, they were back to their usual selves, arguing because Banri apparently really enjoyed doing so, without stating a reason.

_“Settsu.”, he spoke up, after a few minutes of silence, as the other was just finishing off his last piece of sushi. He shot him a quizzical look._

_“Why do you enjoy provokin’ me so much?”_

_“’Cause I don’t like ya.”_

_Not a single emotion could be found on his face._

_Of course, Juza chose this moment to be oddly perceptive._

_“Ya don’t hate me, and I don’t hate ya either.”_

_Banri avoided personal questions like the plague, perfectly turning the tables and changing the topic completely. The way he talked seemed superficial, dishonest._

_Juza didn’t like it but he dropped the topic all the same._

However, things weren’t completely the same, as Juza still held Banri’s hand in his jacket pocket. The walk home was relatively quiet. It was still before lunch time and most people were working, as it was still a Saturday.

That’s when he noticed that he never saw fear or Banri’s face.

He was shocked to see it present. Juza wasn’t the best at emotions, but he felt when Banri’s hand started shaking slightly, sweating, his face pale. He pulled him into an alleyway at the side of the street.

Banri didn’t say anything. It wasn’t like last night, where he couldn’t breathe, but he still didn’t look okay.

“You okay, Settsu?”

A fake smile was plastered onto his face. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Stop worryin’ ‘bout me, ya piece of shit.”

Juza wasn’t buying it. “Why’s your hand shakin’ then?”

Banri sighed. “Saw some bastards from my old school. I… it was jus’ adrenaline, since they’re pretty good fighters, y’know? Still weren’t able to beat me, obviously.”

Ah, he was getting cocky again. It sounded like something Settsu would say, but at this point Juza was sceptical of everything that bastard said. Fake, it didn’t sound real.

He had stopped shaking and was just glaring at him. They could leave, yet they just stayed in the dirty alleyway.

For some reason, Juza couldn’t look away.

* * *

As they left the little restaurant, Banri wouldn’t let go of Juza’s hand for whatever reason. _His hand is warm, fuck, this is kinda comfortable_

Just like last night, he pretended like it was someone else. Made him feel more… sane. Sane, comfortable but also uncomfortable.

He wouldn’t want it to be anyone else and he despised that. The walk back to the dorms, or as Juza called it “home” (a word, which still didn’t feel right to Banri), was quite calming really. It was late October, but it wasn’t too cold, the sun was out and there were barely any people there to judge him for hate-holding his rivals hand. _Rivals do that,_ he convinced himself.

Fear wasn’t something he felt often and of course one of the first people to see it, was Juza. That bastard had seen him cry, had seen him genuinely happy and had seen him at his lowest. He hated it; he really did. And yet…

He didn’t have any time to think about it. Not when his eyes met the dark green ones of that asshole who he went to middle school with. Same dude who asked him whether he was gay or not.

_“So you **are** gay?”_

He could feel a wave of nausea overcoming him already. That asshole, that complete piece of shit just made him feel the entire world crash down on him back then.

He had been 15 years old at the time, had never really thought about his sexuality all too much, since he’d get whoever he wanted whenever he wanted anyways.

Never had he thought about his attraction, or lack thereof, towards girls. Sure, they were cute and all but… something about them made them never want to date them. He just told himself that he was ace from thereon.

And of course, Juza noticed the subtle change. Frankly, he was confused by Juza. That bastard seemed to notice absolutely nothing, but immediately noticed small mood swings as such.

And there they were now. Standing in an alleyway, facing each other, after Banri had lied to him for the umpteenth time that day.

None of them looked away and Banri couldn’t say why. It wasn’t awkward but also wasn’t exactly comfortable either.

He could just punch him in the face and get him to fight him, although that idea seemed unappealing. Isn’t that the only reason why I came here? It had been initially, but at this point he has no idea.

They were staring at each other, both of them were looking at each other, but also not. It seemed like Hyodo was staring right through him and it creeped him out. Slowly, Banri became aware of every single place where they touched, since the alleyway wasn’t really wide and they were both big dudes, also became too aware of the cold metal digging into his wrist. He felt weirdly giddy, weirdly… hot. Not the kind of hot, when you see someone you really like, but the kind of hot, where you wanna slam someone against the wall and make out with them and bite down on their lips until they’re bleeding. Not in a romantic way, but just out of pure spite. Just for the excitement of being caught and the adrenaline of getting off.

He didn’t know who looked away first, but the tension dissipated and Banri found himself still thinking about making out with someone in the alleyway. _For some reason, the person in his mind was Hyodo, and he didn’t find that all too bad really._

Neither of them looked at each other, as Juza seemingly tried to hide himself inside the wall, pressing himself as far back as possible, bashfully looking away.

“We gonna go back now?”, he grumbled, sounding almost embarrassed. Suddenly, Banri felt kinda embarrassed as well. Mainly about his thoughts and “what if Hyodo could read them right now”. About the atmosphere as well. He didn’t know how it had been ruined so quickly, who had ruined it and honestly, he kinda enjoyed it. Didn’t know why, probably the thrill of being caught making out with someone, who was both a guy and a famous delinquent.

He felt a pull at his wrist. “We leavin’ or not?”

Juza still wasn’t looking at him, his back directly facing him, but Banri could see the tips of his ears, which were burning bright red in the dark alley. Wordlessly, he followed after Juza.

Not a single word was spoken on the way back to the dorms and barely any words were exchanged between them for the entire afternoon

Just the occasional insult and the occasional grumbled “move your arm, bastard, mine is about to go numb”.

* * *

Izumi sighed. _Sakyo will be back any minute now, then they’ll be back to normal._

She massaged her temples. _Actually, I don’t want that either._

She really didn’t know how else to react, other than to just _sigh._ It was her own fault after all. She decided that “oh maybe just accepting random people and hormonal teenage boys into a theatre company and putting them all together into one big dorm” would be such an amazing idea. Well, she didn’t directly hate it, it was just frustrating as hell. She liked the boys, she really did, although she sometimes just wanted to slap them (especially Banri).

In a silent prayer, she wished that Sakyo would come home as soon as possible.

“Kantoku-sensei!”

She jolted, as a loud voice filled the room. Of course, it was autumn troupe’s resident puppy.

“What is it, Taichi-kun?”

“We need Sakyo-nii!”, he sounded terrified, poor boy, “Ban-chan is about to rip Juza-san’s head off!”

She was slowly losing her patience. “I’m coming…”

And Taichi was right. Omi was trying to calm down the fight, as Banri yelled insults that she never even knew existed and were corrupting poor Taichi’s ears. Juza was trying to remain calm, but Banri, being Banri, knew exactly how to get a rise out of him, so he was slowly losing his chill as well.

“Ah, Kantoku-san, is Sakyo-san home yet?”, Omi asked, looking at her desperately. _Even Omi is desperate? Oh god._

“Someone mind filling me in?”, she asked cautiously, really not wanting to rile Banri up even more.

Omi shrugged. “They were already arguing when I arrived.”

She looked at Taichi. He looked just as clueless.

“I-I just heard them yelling and then I came, and they were yelling at each other and Banri looked really angry!”

To be honest, she could barely hear what both Taichi and Omi were saying over the loud yelling.

_Wait, where even is everyone else? We can’t be the only ones at home, right?_

She had arrived shortly after Banri and Juza had arrived back and from what she remembered, most of the high schoolers and middle schoolers, Citron, Misumi and Tsumugi were at home.

 _Are they consciously avoiding this?_ _No, they wouldn’t be that mean…_

Footsteps. She heard the kitchen door open. _Maybe they are that mean after all. Or maybe they’re just scared. Can’t blame them to be honest._

The yelling was kinda terrifying honestly. They were just yelling insults at each other and at some points she was scared that, yes, maybe Banri _was_ going the tear Juza’s head off. At some points they were getting so close- wait did Banri just _bite_ Juza?! This was getting out of hand. She looked at her watch. _04:58pm_

_Two more minutes, please don’t kill each other._

The fact that even Omi out of all people, was incapable of doing anything, was probably the scariest part. Also, the fact that no one actually knew why they were yelling so loudly, was strange. _Why are they yelling about alleyways, so guys from Banri’s old school and sushi?_ She truly had no idea.

“Boys! Boys, Sakyo-san will be ba-“

It felt like the temperature just dropped by several degrees, as the door opened, Sakyo stepped in and they were still yelling their heads off.

“Boys.”

Silence. _Sakyo-san really is scary._

She heard someone gulp, the sound of the handcuffs and the chiming of the keys.

“Do you know, why I handcuffed you together?”

Banri looked at Sakyo, not looking as cocky as usual. “To make us work together better…”, he mumbled, barely audible. Izumi felt a little sorry, but frankly they also kinda deserved it.

“And what are you doing right now?”, his voice didn’t sound angry. It sounded deadly. Poor Taichi looked ready to cry, and he hadn’t even done anything wrong.

“Arguin’…”, Juza grumbled.

“So,”, Sakyo began, and everyone looked at him curiously, as no one dared to speak, “it didn’t work. You know what that means?”

“You can’t handcuff us together for another day, we were gettin’ along jus’ fine last night!”, Banri sounded desperate. Izumi was starting to feel a little bad.

Sakyo looked at them sceptically. “Oh, really?” he wasn’t buying it.

To everyone’s surprise, Juza nodded. “Yeah, we… uh, we baked together.”

“And then, why are you arguing right now?”

Suddenly, the both of them looked incredibly embarrassed, which was new. “That… isn’t important, jus’ uncuff us already.”, Banri gritted out, a light blush present on his face.

He sighed loudly. “I don’t care about your teenage drama bullshit, just don’t get in the way of troupe practice, or else you know what will happen.”

Juza and Banri gulped simultaneously. “Yes, sir…”

That seemed to do the trick, as Sakyo got rid of the handcuffs, albeit reluctantly. He glared at them. “You’re free to go.”

Izumi followed them with their eyes, as they both left the practice room. She turned towards Sakyo, who looked stressed and all around just pissed off.

“Sakyo-san? Don’t you think that you went too far?”

“They won’t learn otherwise.”, his words sounded cold, harsh. He left as well.

“You’re dismissed.”

She went to her room, fighting down an oncoming headache. _They sure are a handful._

* * *

Of course, he was gonna be pissed, if that Daikon actor bought up… what happened. “Settsu we should talk about it”, my ass. None of that shit ever happened, Banri was gonna suppress all of his emotions and weird thoughts towards the situations until the end of time. Yes, he may have been a little loud when yelling and Sakyo was probably thinking about murdering him, but frankly, he didn’t give a shit, if it made him get rid of the handcuffs and made Juza shut up. Since Juza was the last person he wanted to see right now, he made his way towards Itaru’s room, seeing that he had recently returned from work. _Maybe we can play that new game that only jus’ came out last week_

Sighing, he stood up, making his way there. Miraculously, he didn’t encounter a single person, which was pleasant.

He went in without knocking, as he always did. Itaru was, of course, already sitting in front of the TV, his console turned on, with a packet of crisps.

“Yo.”, Banri greeted him, trying to sound casual, although he was still very mad.

“Hi, Banri. Wanna play?”

“Why else would I be here?”

He sat onto the sofa, grabbing a controller and connecting it. His knuckles were white, from how hard he was gripping it, still angry as hell.

“Dude, don’t break my controller. Also, holy shit, you were yelling loud earlier. Is Juza really that bad?”

Banri sighed loudly. He came here with the purpose of avoiding both the topic of Hyodo an Hyodo entirely and yet Itaru had to ruin it. “Shut up, Itaru-san. I don’t wanna talk about, jus’ start the game already.”

“Well, just don’t interrupt my gaming session or break my controller over some teenage angst and I’m fine with it.”

He huffed, trying to concentrate on the game. Why the fuck couldn’t he stop thinking about Juza anyways?! This was ridiculous. They didn’t play for long, Banri kept getting distracted and Itaru kicked him out after a while.

He now only had a few options. He could either go to his room, which was essentially suicide for both him and Juza. He could also chill in the lounge, which wasn’t smart either, since Juza could just arrive there any second. Going to Tenma’s room was also option, although he doubted that Yuki would be too enthusiastic about that.

Or he could just go outside, go wherever. _Like I did back then._

Declaring this the safest option, he grabbed his jacket and left without a word, hoping that no one would see him. Most people were occupied anyways, and it wasn’t like anyone particularly cared for him too much.

It was almost dinner time, but he never really ate dinner with the rest of the company anyways. “I already ate” or “I have work to do” being the most common excuses. Either that, or he just didn’t show up.

Today was one of those days, where he just left without saying a word. He went outside into the cold, rainy evening, not really giving a fuck at this point. The fresh air felt nice and crisp, calming him down quite a bit.

He took a deep breath. _Why am I actin’ like this_

Truth be told, Banri was always quite hot-headed, quickly jumped to a challenge, but for one guy to piss him off _this_ much, truly was an achievement on his part. He wasn’t even that pissed off, when he thought about it. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure at this point.

He didn’t exactly like Juza, or care for him for that matter. But… he stopped hating him. He didn’t like admitting him but being around Juza could be quite fun. During the nights, when they got along better, for whatever reason, he actually enjoyed his presence.

He had to learn to shut up for once. They got along well, when neither of them spoke, when the silence of the night consumed them completely.

Or, when he was being honest for once, which he hated. Talking about his sister over lunch felt relieving, yet he hated being so vulnerable.

Juza didn’t seem to mind, which perplexed him even more.

**_They could also be honest, when the only sounds exchanged were broken sobs, while laying in the others arms._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO ONCE AGAIN TO MY FAVOURITE PART! WRITING AUTHOR'S NOTES (kidding but not really)
> 
> -i wrote 2.5k words of this in under 24 hours  
> -once again, everything is longer than i plan it on being :,) but tbhhh i like the pacing and i was initially planning on this being at 50k words anyways  
> -since i dont like actively participate in writing (my brain just. gives out words and i write them) sometimes my writing surprises myself, since i just go along and that one part in the alleyway was my deepest horny thoughts speaking to me  
> -about Banri's sister.... Hiromi (the name a friend of mine gave her, shoutout to chiyo) means Generous Beauty cause she is my wife and I am actually so in love with her I want to meet her immediately please liber. we know she's hot she has the settsu genes after all  
> -I have recovered from covid-19!! I was never that sick in the first place, but I've stopped showing symptoms all together!!  
> -also turns out i have like 5 exams next week, one of which is about a book I never read, so well done me  
> -I've become obsessed with mankai stage it's awful. "Oh you like Mankai Stage? Name all the actors" yeah I actually could do that easily oh my god I love them all so bad  
> -I also tried to write from Izumi's perspective!!! Writing her thoughts was fun, I might do it more often  
> -also sorry about my spacing always being so weird omg everything always glitches out so weirdly, when I copy paste it over from word and I can't be bothered fixing it I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND TOO MUCH 
> 
> Contact me on insta @catboybanri (pls dm me first tho,,, otherwise I won't accept) all I post there is weeb stuff (mostly A3, haikyuu, 91 days and gintama atm) and stage players from all sorts of stage plays (ensemble stage, mankai stage especially but also the hypmic stage play)
> 
> I don't use twitter at all, but my twt is @usagibanri !! tbh i only use it for kenta mizue updates ooooh i love him so bad
> 
> Have a nice day/night !! 
> 
> Love, Zion~


	8. Chapter seven: meet you there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe have fun reading this one, it's quite wholesome :D also some nice development,,, it's all from Juza's POV this time!!!!

Juza sighed. He really had no idea what he had done wrong, but he did something to piss Banri off, which resulted in an extremely loud fight and Sakyo threatening to keep them cuffed together for another day. And now Banri had run off, and Juza had no idea where the fuck he went. It wasn’t like Banri didn’t skip dinner regularly, it happened all the time actually. No one believed his excuses and he probably knew that better than anyone, yet he mostly skipped his dinner.

Today, however, the atmosphere at the dinner table was even more awkward. It seemed like everyone was being way more cautious than usual of him. He heard hushed whispers. Mostly something about him and Banri and he was growing increasingly more uncomfortable. It was just a matter of him, till he stood up and left the dinner table, his hunger gone. He kinda wanted to go search for Banri, but he knew that he wouldn’t appreciate that. Would probably resent him more than he already did.

It wasn’t unusual for Banri to yell at him, but today it was different, louder, but also weirdly emotional. His voice sounded like he was gonna burst into tears at any moment.

The whispers seemed to be getting louder, until it was too loud. Too much to handle. He snapped, throwing his chair back and storming outside. No one said a word.

Without even grabbing a jacket, he followed Banri outside. He literally had no idea where he could be, so he wandered around aimlessly, hoping to at least find him. This wasn’t the first time he had gone out to search for him either. “Juza-kun, go look for Banri-kun!”, Izumi would say, in a doting tone. Truth be told, Juza himself also had no idea what was going on in that guys head, nor did he know where the fuck he could be. But he had somehow still found him every time.

Usually, he could be found near the riverbank, where Juza used to play with his younger brother. _Where he had actually met Banri for the first time._

He didn’t know, whether Banri could remember or not, but he could remember it clear as day. So, he headed for the riverbank, just like his instincts told him to, in hope to find the same head of sandy-brown hair there.

Juza shivered. It was pouring down, thundering even, a cold autumn night. He sighed. _That fuckin’ idiot…_

And well, as suspected, Banri was right there where he had been last time. Juza had never been good at walking quietly, so the other heard him immediately.

“Can ya stop comin’ after me, Hyodo?!”

He sighed. _I don’t wanna start a damn argument right now_

“Kantoku-san told me to follow you. ‘M sorry.”

Banri stayed silent. He was sitting right at the edge of the river on a big rock. Juza sat next to him, but left enough distance between them, to not irritate the other.

He stared at the water. It looked black mostly, the river reflected the bright moon. He also found himself staring at Banri’s profile.

His piercings glinted in the moonlight, his pale skin looking smooth and seemingly glowing, his light brown hair falling perfectly. _If he’d learn to shut up, Juza would’ve probably had a crush on him._

Banri sighed loudly. “Everything fuckin’ sucks…”

Juza gave him a weird stare, not quite knowing how to respond. He just kept on talking.

“Yknow why I run off all the damn time? ‘Cause I hope somethin’ fuckin’ happens for once. I already did this before, hoped to find a rival. And fuck yeah, I found a rival, but it still doesn’t fuckin’ feel fulfillin’.”

“Why are ya tellin’ me this, Settsu?”

A bitter laugh. “Hell, if I fuckin’ know! Bein’ around ya makes me so angry, but also soothes me at the same time… It’s really damn weird. You’re really damn weird!”

His jaw almost dropped. Was Banri… opening up to him?

He just stared at him for a while, really not knowing what to say to that.

“Dude, don’t jus’ stare at me, ya fuckin’ moron!”

That was more like Banri. Juza couldn’t help but smile a little.

He raised an eyebrow. “So you _can_ smile then, Hyodo?”

“Shut it, Settsu. Of course I can, jus’ don’t do it often.”

“And why’s that?”

For some reason, he found it easy to open up around him. He shrugged. “People were scared of it, so I kinda stopped doin’ it, I guess?”

“If only all those idiots knew that this huge scary delinquent is actually a guy with a soft spot for sweets~”

The tips of his ears went red. He had tried to keep it a secret from his roommate, because he just knew, that he’d never hear the end of it.

“Shut up…”, he grumbled, barely audible.

At that, Banri let out a laugh. A loud, genuine one and Juza swore, that it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard.

Throughout the whole ordeal, they had become closer, their knees almost touching, but not quite. He didn’t know how long they sat there, just… talking normally, but it felt oddly comforting. Almost all of their conversations had ended up in arguments, until Banri got so heated, that he fell into the ice-cold river.

Juza let out a short laugh, before grabbing his hand to pull him up.

“That’s your own fault. Let’s go back.”

He clicked his tongue. “No, it’s _your_ fault for being an idiot and pissing me off.”

Juza didn’t answer, just started walking, Banri following right after him. Sakyo had told them, that they had to get along better, because of their respective roles in the play and truth is, they _did_ get along, when the circumstances were right (so not too often).

They, surprisingly, had lots of similarities, but were also polar opposites at the same time. Sure, Juza was dense, but he knew that Banri sure as hell didn’t hate him.

The walk home was comfortable really, Banri’s teeth were clattering, since he was currently freezing his ass off (which was his own fault). Of course, both of them were stupid enough to not take their proper jackets with them. Juza wasn’t too affected by the cold, but he had noticed that Banri was bad with the cold (although he wouldn’t admit that, ever) and of course that moron had only bought a thin jacket with him, which was also wet through, so it did more harm than good really.

“We’re almost there…”

“I-I know where the dorms are… you i-idiot…!”, Banri somehow gritted out, his teeth clattering and his entire body shaking.

“Jus’ don’t freeze to death within the next 500 metres.”

Banri gave him a deadpan stare. “Wow, thanks for the super helpful tip.”, he drawled out sarcastically.

The rest of the way they walked in total silence. Juza felt like turning around, jumping into the river and freezing to death himself, as he saw Sakyo waiting for them at the front door.

“This is gonna be fun…”, Banri looked like he was considering the same thing as Juza. Welp, at least he wouldn’t die alone that way.

“Boys.”, Sakyo barked out and he swear he saw Banri shiver twice as badly as before.

“W-what is it, Sakyo-san…?”

And as always, the old man looked disappointed in them. He sighed loudly, the way he always did, when he saw Banri.

“I don’t mind it, when you’re getting along, but don’t just fucking leave without a word and stay out there till two in the damn morning.”

2am… Juza was already planning his last words. Lights out was 4 hours ago.

“Also, Settsu, what the hell happened to you?! Get inside, right now.”

“Fell into the river…”, he sounded embarrassed. Pushing past Sakyo, he went right upstairs.

“And you Hyodo.”, Sakyo stared right at him.

“… yes?”

“I expected better from you.”, he turned around, leaving the door open for Juza to step inside as well. It stung a bit, but he knew that Sakyo only meant well. He followed right after him, shutting the door and locking it. Most people were sleeping right now (apart from probably Itaru and maybe Citron and Misumi) so they were the only ones awake. He felt bad for Sakyo, for having to stay awake just because the two of them had decided to… just not return.

And now he felt even worse, since Banri was just ruining the floor, since all of his clothes were dripping wet.

“G’night, Sakyo-san…”, he whispered cautiously, feeling bad for leaving the mess (although it wasn’t his fault).

“Sleep well, Hyodo.”

And with that, Juza disappeared upstairs as well. Banri let left a trail of water, which ended right in the middle of their room, where he was getting changed and shaking off the excess water like a dog. He was still shivering from the cold, and he looked incredibly exhausted. Juza almost pitied him.

“You doin’ alright, Settsu?”

He glared at him. “Y-yes, now shut up and don’t watch me while I’m gettin’ changed, you fuckin’ creep…”

Juza climbed into his bed, turning his back towards the other. “G’night, Settsu.”

All he got, was an annoyed grunt in response. The tiredness only just hit him, after he shut his eyes.

_He almost missed the quietly whispered “goodnight, Hyodo”, after the lights were turned out._

* * *

The next few weeks went fairly similar. The same petty arguments, with the yelling, almost throwing punches, Taichi and Omi trying to stop them, Sakyo inevitably stepping in… just the usual. But weirdly enough, they still got along, when the moon was out, and Banri’s façade was beginning to crumble down piece by piece, as he started to tell Juza more personal stuff about him.

Nothing too personal, Juza still didn’t know much about him really, but he learnt why he even challenged him in the first.

 _“Everything’s jus’ borin’ to me, y’know?”,_ was all he said, but he had this weird, faraway, _dead_ look in his eyes. There was more to it, but he didn’t know what.

Banri also had these strange “phases”, as he called them. Erratic breathing, sobbing, shaking, sweating.

 _“Oh, i-it’s nothin’ Hyodo.. d-don’t worry”_ , Juza didn’t know why they happened, but a hug seemed to soothe him every time. It was nice, comfortable.

The weirdest thing, however, was the times where Banri would just climb into his bed at night.

_“It’s cold, and you ain’t bad at cuddlin’. I can imagine that it’s someone else, so scoot over.”_

It got quite awkward, after Taichi went into their room one morning to wake them up, and they were completely intertwined in each other.

Taichi didn’t say anything but couldn’t look either of them in the eye. Juza himself was also fairly embarrassed and Banri, as always, acted like absolutely nothing had happened.

_“A-are you two…”, Taichi looked around nervously, as he added in a hushed whisper, “dating…?”_

_Juza almost choked on his drink. Banri just laughed and ruffled Taichi’s hair. “Nah, we ain’t Taichi! I’d never date Hyodo!”_

_“B-but why were you… cuddling?”, Taichi murmured, “only people who are together do that…”. He couldn’t tell who was the most embarrassed. Definitely not Banri, he was shameless and brushed it off like it was nothing, but Juza himself was completely silent and Taichi… looked quite embarrassed really._

_Banri just shrugged. “Dunno, Hyodo’s warm and I’m cold and he literally doesn’t give a fuck, so we cuddle. I jus’ imagine him bein’ a hot chick, y’know?”_

_“Ban-chan, that’s so cool…”_

_For some reason, Taichi absolutely admired everything about Banri and Banri definitely had a soft spot for Taichi. He didn’t even try to hide it either, always ruffled his hair, was extra nice to him, the whole thing really. It was weirdly endearing to Juza._

Practice was also going fairly well. They had learnt how to play their roles properly, gotten into them better. Sakyo had said that they developed a certain chemistry between each other, but Banri didn’t want to describe it like that. “Sounds gay”, Banri had said, “and I ain’t”.

Sakyo had rolled his eyes at that. _He always did._

And… Juza was started to think, that Banri was actually quite nice. He was attracted to men, that he knew, and Banri was extremely pretty and nice when the moonlight was flooding their room and they stayed up just talking about everything and nothing at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya hiya so as always some things I wanna say!!!
> 
> -sorry for not uploading last week!! I didn't feel like writing and I had lots of school work !! I might actually upload twice this week, next week and the week after, since I'm on winter break now :D  
> -Juza crush on Banri??? hmmm maybe......  
> -YES BANRI HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR TAICHI IDCIDC THEY HAVE MY FAV PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP !!! BANTAI HAIR RUFFLING WHEN LIBER  
> -changed up the pacing a bit in the last part,,,,, hope u don't mind !! Of course I'll write some of the more "important" scenes  
> -I laughed a little bit when Banri fell in the river he may be my best boy but god I wanna punch him  
> -AS ALWAYS I THINK THAT KENTA MIZUE <3
> 
> Anyways!!!! It's the 24th here, and Christmas eve is more important here than Christmas day actually? So, if you're still reading this on the 24th, happy Christmas eve, if you're reading it on the 25th I wish you a merry Christmas and beautiful new year!!! If you're reading this on new years eve, then I hope this year will be great for you :D Also, if you're reading this in 2021 I HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN 2020...... NONETHELESS, I HOPE YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY, NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF THE YEAR IT MAY BE!!!
> 
> Contact me on insta @/catboybanri or my twitter (which I never ever use but it exists) @/usagibanri
> 
> Thanks for reading as always and I look forward to reading your kind comments <3
> 
> Love, Zion~

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how often I will be updated this, due to school and shit so,,,, be patient please! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this and look forward to reading some more!!  
> Comments and kudos are appreciated!!! 
> 
> Update 04/01/2021:  
> This fic will be on hiatus until I rewrote all the chapters I'm not happy with + actually find a way to continue the fic, since I have no inspiration or motivation to continue this right now.
> 
> I might upload other one shots etc.
> 
> Love, Zion~


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